Friday, June 17, 2011

No Escape

Festival Dream

I awoke trembling with fear this morning. It was another narrow escape. In a dream (that turned out to be a nightmare) I attended a festival at a local shrine. There somewhat to my surprise ....

I witnessed this startling sight, strange even for a stranger in a strange land. It was a van bearing the slogan "Kill the Whales" beneath which were imprinted logos for a number of different seafood companies.

Next to the van was an educational exhibit on Japan's rich whaling heritage and some great tips on how to serve up a whale of a meal. While I was perusing one of the informative placards on display, a Shinto priest approached me. He asked "Do you like whale?" I hesitated for a moment to ponder the question and before I could respond he followed up with, "Me too." Then he smiled and asked: "Won't you please help us bear the  omikoshi [a small portable shrine that is paraded though the streets at festivals] during the festival tonight?" It was such an honor to be accepted into the fold that I could hardly refuse the offer. The gold gilded miniature shrine shimmering in the morning sun seemed to reflect all that was good in the world. I moved in closer to bask in its glow when...

upon closer inspection I realized all that glittered was not gold. In fact this little abode of some unfamiliar deity was embedded with hundreds of whale meat tins. Now for the scary part...

While carrying this mini shrine festooned with canned whale I spied a group of foreigners. Clad entirely in black (scary huh?), I suspected them at first of being your run of the mill anarchists, nihilists, or something like  that, but no. Forever dyed into the skin covering the biceps of the burly cameraman in the group, who was faithfully recording the whole scene for the celluloid record, I spotted the words Sea Shepherd boldly emblazoned in black ink below the flaming red outline of Death's head. It was the crew from the whale-saving hit television series, Whale Wars, and they had me dead in their sights!

Related Story: Whale of a Meal


  1. Man, this is one creepy ass blog, bro. I mean, this is the kinda stuff old man Sigmund would enjoy. Whew- weird, really weird, man.

  2. "Remember The Main" - Carrying on a journalistic tradition

    Thank you for contacting the Temple Valley Times and for your pateince while we researched your query!!! I am glad to have this wonderful opportunity to assist you with information regarding this article and more!! I would like to first apologize for any inconvenience or misunderstanding this article may have caused and assure you that everyone at the Temple Valley Times values your opinion! After much research we can assure you without a doubt that all Temple Valley Times content is painstakingly researched and that everyone from the writers to the editors, the ferrets who do the research as well as the ink-faced typsetters who do nothing but sit around drinking coffee all day as they await the demise of the Internet and coming rebirth of the printing press, strives to be accurate! Due to budgetary constraints, however, that prohibit our reporters from entering the field as much as we would like them to, we have found that many of the reports are riddled with holes begging, sometimes crying out, to be filled in. In the name of humanity we have decided to employ elements of fantasy/fiction (something we call faction) to fill in the gaps between the factual reportage. If you have more concerns about the content, please feel free to visit the TVT editorial offices!!! Once again thank you for reading The Temple Valley Times (where it's all in our imagination)!!!!

  3. Taro, You need to spend less time tracking people who come to TVT with your global positioning prognosticator and a little more time fixing your comments feature - I mean I've attempted to post ten comments and have seen not one - so tweak that bad boy, will you already ? Unless you're censoring - that's creepy, man, spooky creepy weird, man.

  4. Dude, I tell all the people in my commune that TVT is where I get my news. I mean, no one's ever broke it down for me this way, man. They say that reality's a superhighway but with TVT it's a towpath, man, a country lane, a one lane hard-packed pre-macadam road lined with fragrant honeysuckle,gleaming lemon trees,and precious hemp plants. TVT is the new Grey Lady, man. Keep up the good work, man.

  5. Hey man, who are you calling "man." I'm not the "man" I'm one of the people, man. Didn't you see that Lovin' Spoonful's link on that groovy post called Summer in the City. I think you could really dig it. - Power to the People man!

  6. BTW Anonymous The TVT is where I get all my news from too!